Sunday, 12 April 2009

No sex please, we’re British…

Seriously you couldn’t make this up.

About 10 years I was living in the first house I had ever bought in my own right and was living on my own. Prior to that it was either the marital abode or my parents house.

For those of you not familiar with housing in UK, lets just say that we tend to live in smaller places in very close proximity to our neighbours. In this case a lovely Victorian 2up, 2down terrace, which was more than adequate for my needs, and those of my 3 kids when they visited for weekends and holidays.

Either side of me I had some really nice neighbours. To my left a couple about the same age as me with kids who were roughly same age as mine. To my right a newly retired couple, say middle sixties, with a family that had flown the nest.

My love life at this time was pretty much no existent. I had been divorced for a couple of years. My ‘rebound’ girlfriend had scuttled off to Australia to be re-united with her Ex – I seem to have that effect on women. My first love ended up in Kuwait, my rebound ended up in Oz. You can see why I’m never going to date a NASA employee!

To the night in question. It was a cold winters Monday in January. I went to bed as normal to read my book at about 10pm – a really good Terry Pratchett novel. About 15 minutes into drifting into The Discworld I started to here strange sounds.

I didn’t take much notice at first, but then to my horror I realised that my pensioner neighbours were ‘at it’. And not quietly! Gross. Unbeknown to me, my headboard was right next to the wall that joined their bedroom. And for the first time since moving to the house I could here noise from their side.

This was real insult to injury time. Me as good as celibate and my OAP neighbours at it like rabbits.

As you can imagine I could not stand the humiliation, so I headed downstairs and made my self a nice mug of cocoa, returning to bed about half an hour later when I felt it would be safe.

I’ve got nothing about people of consenting age having some recreation fun, especially pensioners – well it gives us all hope! However with all the spare time they had, couldn’t they have pursued their interests during the day whilst I was at work?

Two things happened as a result of these nocturnal rumblings:

1. I moved my bed to the other side of the room where it was more peaceful.

2. I couldn’t talk to the couple again without having a wry smile on my face!

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